I've been trying to write this blog for a while. Actually it's been over a year (15 months to be exact, but who's counting), and I've probably drafted and thrown away 5 different attempts. I always write it out of frustration, in an effort to vent or release the pent-up emotions. And then I talk myself out of posting it, either because it's too negative, or un-inspiring, or I fear that the readers wouldn't understand it and then judge me, or I just convince myself that it's too trivial in comparison to people with real problems. Honestly, it wasn't until I read a blog by a friend and fellow local fitness and health guru that I was inspired to write this. She hit the nail on the head with her blog post about her own personal struggle. She reminded me that "no matter how big or small your battle may be, everyone is going through one, and to them, it’s important, regardless of what it may look like to you".
So I was inspired to share my struggle. Over 15 months ago I sustained a lower back injury while training. It turns out that I've herniated a vertebral disc. I was pretty ignorant to the severity of the injury for about 4-6 weeks. I took a week or two off exercise, then tried to lift weights, and push through pain. I even went for runs and played basketball, but it seemed like every time I tried to do physical activity, I would get pain that ended up more severe and debilitating than the last. After three months it became even more real. I was in severe chronic pain all the time. I couldn't walk up an incline or bend over without significant bracing of my core, and pain. Sneezing or coughing would cause absolute agony (and it still does). Sitting quickly became out of the question. On a daily basis, I'd go through a rollercoaster of emotions - pain, anger, frustration, irritation, depression, self-pity, and resentment, jealousy of healthy people. Then somehow every time, I'd be reminded that others have been through much worse, that I have support of those who understand it, or who have been there themselves. But it never changed the fact that this chronic pain was changing the very core of who I was on a daily basis. The hardest part is trying to remain a positive person when the thing that is most important in your life is suddenly gone, and no amount of hard work seems to bring it back.
"no matter how big or small your battle may be, everyone is going through one, and to them, it’s important, regardless of what it may look like to you" - Raw Fitness YYC
So - 15 months later here I am, still unable to push my body hard physically, or have one full night's sleep without pain. I rarely get through a day without pain doing day-to-day activities. This is not a pity party. The last thing I want is for people to feel sorry for me. I don't want pity, I don't want advice, I just need to vent, literally for my own sanity. Maybe this will help the people in my not-so inner circle to maybe understand why I break into tears sometimes in the middle of an attempt at exercise (I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable). This has been by far the most difficult and frustrating things I've ever had to go through, health and fitness are the most important things to me, and I've worked so hard to get to where I was. I know I am working with great professionals who are all trying to help me, and have seen countless cases of the same injury. They tell me that I need patience. That the only thing you can do are the things that don't create pain. Every day I play a tug-o-war of needing to exercise to relieve pain, but not so much that I cause more pain.
The thing I'm (very) slowly realizing about it is that it might end up being one of the best things that could have happened to me - sometimes I don't believe this, but my logical brain tells me so. Injuries are never good, and I know there are people out there with far more difficult and harder journeys than mine. What I am really clinging to, is the idea that someday I'll look back on this, and struggle to remember how it felt to have so much pain rolling over in bed, or picking up something off the floor, or bending over to tie my shoes. Someday I'll remember how I had to lay on my bed to get dressed. Someday I'll think back and be so thankful that I'm not here anymore. And I do truly believe that I can get out of it, because I know people who have done it.
The silver lining is that this is forcing me to work on the parts of me that are easy to preach but difficult to do in practice. I can no longer just "hard work" my way out of this. I have to figure out a way to remain positive in the face of a long struggle, that has no apparent end date. To learn to put my ego aside and stop giving into the temptation to push myself- for what? To find alternative methods of stress relief, other than exercise. To become mindful of negative thought patterns, emotional eating habits and self-care. To love myself even though my body is not cooperating right now.
It's really easy to talk about inspiration, being strong, staying positive when things are going well. But it is incredibly difficult to live those values when we are put to a true test. How I act and come out of this over the next while will really shape whether I stay true to my values and everything I've been preaching over the last few years. I'm clinging to the hope that this will make me a stronger person in every aspect. I'm clinging to the knowing that through stuggle, we grow. We become resilient. We gain perspective.
I'm finishing off the blog with an analogous quote from a wise and dear friend. It's a mantra that is so powerful and true: